landmarks and milestones...

today i turn 30. yep, as if i didnt have enough to celebrate i am surrounded by friends and family intent on making me feel special this week and i couldn't be more grateful.

30 is a big one, and i thought i could feel it - like the way i felt 16, in my soul and in my bones from the moment i woke up. i remember turning 16 so clearly and feeling like i was transitioning to something - though it could have been the cape cod summer romance induced butterflies i was really feeling - but still, i felt something. i didnt wake up feeling any different today but i did wake up feeling loved.

as i snuck out of the house before 7 am i almost tripped on a package for me with the name in the return field belonging to of one of my best childhood friends. a friend i havent celebrated a birthday with for more than 10 years. i loved giving and getting gifts from sue when i was a kid, she always knew just what to get me even though i may not have even realized it. since sue now lives in ireland it seemed like magic that a package from her arrived on my doorstep at 6 am on my 30th birthday and i think it was. i felt so so loved and the rest of the day has seemed followed suit. thank you susie!

birthdays are always a time of reflection, of all of the days of our lives they are one that we can nail down and use as a barometer - one year ago i was, two years ago i was, 15 years ago i was. it's bitter sweet nostalgia as don draper so eloquently described, but this year i'm happy to be looking forward, i have great things on the horizon, a husband, the beginnings of a new family unit, and countless birthdays to look forward to knowing at least that one person will always be there to celebrate with me.

to watch the mad men kodak carousel pitch and think about nostalgia click here.

a very long engagement

this week marks a full year since mike proposed to me... and i have to say it's been a long year, and im a bit worn out with all this wedding stuff, its begining to feel like a very very long engagement.

when we were first engaged we knew we wanted to be married in september but werent sure which year, 2009 or 2010. a 2009 wedding would mean a rather quick engagement and a wedding in a month where both of our siblings already had 3 of the 4 weekends booked up in addition to our fear that some of our dear friends might not make the party because of time needed for them to manage their travel or days away from work ( remember a lot of our friends live in los angeles.) we decided to wait.

i got a lot of grief from my parents about waiting so long, they couldnt understand what the complications were and why we would want to wait. in the end i am happy with our decision but a lot has happened in a year that has left me thinking about what might have been different if we had just gone for it.

the first hiccups are totally selfish bratty challenges that, at times i admit really got to me, but in general and in retrospect, have not been too much of a pain. since we have been engaged we have had 4 sets of friends (one set being mike's sister) get engaged - all of which are getting married before us. i couldnt help but feel like my thunder was stolen time and time again, i had only a few short weeks to feel special before i was going to engagement parties for my future sister in law with hardly the opportunity to slide in where appropriate that i was getting married too. it's been 10 months of celebrating others engagements and planning their weddings while i blog about my adventures in the privacy of my own home.

the second set of life changes are a little bigger. when we were engaged a year ago mike and i both had stable, 50 hour a week jobs and paychecks. since then we were both laid off, he has since taken up waiting tables and bartending while i am still waiting for the unemployment to kick in. looking back i feel like part of why we thought we were prepared to be married was that our professional lives were chugging along nicely like proper adults which since has changed. now mike and i find ourselves wondering how we became the degenerates of our families over cheap beer at the end of the day rather than looking at real estate.

the final changes are really the hardest to handle. as you know mike and i lost a dear friend a few weeks ago that was to read at our wedding, it hurts me to think that if we had the wedding last september he would have still been with us... but thats not the only health related complication. my father has since been diagnosed with a heart condition that requires him to have open heart surgery. we find out next week when the surgery will be, (we're thinking may so that he has time to heal) but it has left the family reluctant to book hotel rooms or flights for grandmothers until the surgery is over and we know he is okay. i have been trying my hardest not to have morbid thoughts because i know he will be fine, but it is definitely a hurdle that we are currently confronted with that has become a bit of a wall. finally mike's paternal grandfather is 96 years old and has been told that he has an aneurism that will end his life and he has decided not to have the procedure to try and prevent it which makes us feel like the clock is ticking and we might lose him any day.

(vintage paint by numbers that make me think of what the farm will look like in september)

im not going to say that i have regrets, or that my folks were right. i know we are going to have a fabulous party, almost all of our friends are going to be there with us, and i will have a full 2 months to celebrate without sharing my spotlight once the other weddings have come and gone. i no longer have to worry about missing work for the wedding or honeymoon, and with all this new free time i have lots of energy to devote to the design of our invitations and reception decor, but it feels good to admit that i have thought - what if? and, boy did we make a mistake?

how are all of you feeling about your engagement periods? way to long? not enough time? any regrets? are they all a mixed bag?

it just keeps raining...waiting for the rainbows

ok, i know that this is supposed to be an outlet for wedding planning and sharing this common experience we are all going through, but i can't help but share what has been going on in my life that has put the focus of wedding planning into perspective.

as you may have guessed by this post, we lost a very dear friend a week or so ago. one of mike's best friends, someone that i have been so close with for the last 11 years, someone that was to do a reading at our wedding (i guess i'm still compelled to put it into that context for you) that we will now have to find a way to honor respectfully without turning our celebration into another memorial. it's a very sad time but we have a lot of great friends that we are able to mourn with and heal with and remember with, therefore we are blessed.

with this wound still so raw i was laid off yesterday, without notice, after working for the company for 5 years and with no severance package to speak of.

none of this is good, but it shines a light on the good stuff i have in my partner in life. every bump along the road brings us closer together and i am just so grateful to have him, to take care of him, to let him take care of me, and for the two of us to buck up together and continue to take on what the world dishes out. there are good things on the horizon, i am free of a life where i struggled to get out of bed in the morning, now we can begin creating our happily every after.

i predict that i may go a little DIY crazy with all this free time, so i hope it means i will have lots of great things to share with you all! thanks for listening, xoxo

The Big Chill

For the worst of reasons we are living in The Big Chill this week. I hope for new memories from these familiar faces to mix in with the tears, story telling - and really good tunes.